Our 21 month old daughter is going through a phase where she seems to be feeling more separation anxiety. Probably normal developmental behavior for this phase, right? I hope that we can help by being more nurturing and create a good schedule of interaction so that she feels reassured and emotionally safe.
Here’s my issue - I work from home. “I don’t know about you dog, but for me,” as Randy Jackson might say it; it’s breaking my heart to see her pleading for Daddy when I go in my office. When my work day starts, I have clients and deliverables, etc… I’m concerned that at 21 months, she doesn’t understand that I’m off to work and not ignoring her. Am I already creating a feeling of abandonment in my little girl and will this turn into a never ending quest for her to fill her life with surrogate daddy-types? Ok, I’m exaggerating, but I would appreciate good ideas about helping her and helping us work with this situation - especially from those of you that work from home.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I really think we just need to be more proactive about scheduling. If I can be sure that she and I are engaged in something fun when you “go off to work,” she won’t immediately run to the door asking for you. We need to make this separation more about her and I doing something fun together and less about you leaving for the day.
I used to work from home, and I do remember how wrenching it was to say “no, I have to work now.” I could schedule much of my work around my son’s nap times, but sometimes I just had to put up a baby gate in the office door and type furiously while he stood on the other side wailing. It wasn’t fun for either of us … but we both survived. He’s almost 8 now, and I don’t think my work and other commitments have left him feeling abandoned. I think instead that it has helped him realize that I have responsibilities and interests that aren’t entirely centered on him & his sister.
I would suggest that no matter how much it affects you, don’t tell her that it makes you feel bad. If you say, “Daddy wishes he could play with you but he has to work so we have food to eat” she’ll just get confused & (in my experience) ask to play more. Instead, say, “Daddy is going to work in the office all morning. Then I’ll have lunch with you and we can read a story.” If you keep it matter of fact, she’ll be more likely to accept it. Also you can use the first person instead of the third! Just remember — you’re not abandoning her, you’re just doing what you need to do.
One more thing, though you might already be doing this. As much as possible, vanish while you are working. Keep your office door closed. Don’t drop in for a quick cuddle on your way to get a drink of water. If you’re behind a closed door she’s much more likely to accept your work schedule.
Thanks for the helpful comments. Yes, I do currently close the door when the work day starts and it does help. She’s started using the words “office” or “work” - seemingly to ask me if I’m going away. That’s what I think she’s asking anyway and I just wish it was a little easier.
Eric struggles with this too — and has found it nearly impossible to work at home at all. He has to leave the house to get anything done. For us, distracting Tobin from his papa is a momentous task — and I am usually unsuccessful.
So I don’t have much advice — except to add that it is a phase. I remember this exact same thing with Cora (although it was much less intense).
I wonder if having a goodbye ritual would help –along the lines of what we do to get ready for bed and naps — fairly set script the two of you act out. Perhaps reminding her that it is time for you to go to work, reading a book, a big hug and kiss goodbye etc? But having the same routine each day — so that over time she knows what to expect.
I also know that when Eric dares to leave his office after a transition has been made it seems like we start all over. Perhaps it might help to call Lara on the phone and have her do a major distraction when you have to run to the bathroom or get a drink of water.
Yes, we tried a goodby ritual, just like a going to bed ritual, but that seemed to just make her more focused on me leaving. The distraction is the one that works best for her during this phase. (The ritual works best for me)